This is what DEAF looks like

Creativity

This is what I THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WAS OUT OF TOWN looks like

3 out of 4 Americans...

Fly-fishing is the most fun

This is what McBURNDT looks like

Paris Hilton shows off her new shoes

You can't have an indecent site without Paris Hilton...

This is what INTIMACY looks like

Courage

This is what BLONDE'S CAR looks like

...hours spent in fishing

Real Flight Announcements (Part 3)

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" 

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

This is what YOUR TAX DOLLARS look like

Why Y generations

Two Guys Walk Into A Bar

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one, however, was smart enough to duck. 

First Class

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

This is what BAD SPELLING looks like

Corporate America (Part3)

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...

You're already late on the assignment you just got

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read only by your co-workers

Your boss' favorite lines are, "When you get a few minutes" or "When you're freed up"

Your boss' second favorite lines are, "...this isn't exactly what we need. It may be what we asked for, but things have changed."

Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"

Change is the norm

The only reason you recognize your kids and friends is because their pictures are hanging in your cube

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

You read this entire list and understood it.

Swine Flu - you know you've got it when........

A dirty mind

Real Flight Announcements (Part 2)

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 

"Last one off the plane must clean it." 

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 

This is what NIGHTMARE looks like

Cheese rolling

The first written evidence of the Cheese Rolling event dates from 1826, but the tradition was established long before, perhaps as a Pagan harvest ritual. The race involves hordes of fearless competitors chasing a 3.5kg Double Gloucester cheese down a death-defyingly-steep hill.

Slippery slope ... the slope has a gradient in places of 1-in-2 and in others 1-in-1, its surface is very rough and uneven and it is almost impossible to remain on foot for the descent

Unprotected ... a naked man chases the cheese as it races away from competitors.

Down they come ... rolling down the hill

Plane Crash In Poland

A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Looking Busy (Part2)

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: 

You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.

Reality: 

You are playing Tetris.

__________________________________________________

Appearance: 

You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.

Reality: 

You are paying your electric bill.

__________________________________________________

Appearance: 

You are reading the System Procedure.

Reality: 

You are reading the TV guide you placed in the System Procedure.

__________________________________________________

Appearance: 

You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.

Reality: 

You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"

...between fishing and standing on the shore...

Spaghetti, Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. 

 

She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support

 

One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife

.'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. 

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

 

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

This is what OH SHIT looks like

Don't be afraid of getting old

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their  wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

 

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

 

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, '

 

"I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

 

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already............?

 

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old,

        

Alzheimer's has Its advantages !!!!!!!!!!...........

Corporate America (Part 2)

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive

It's dark when you drive to and from work

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else

Communication is something your group is having problems with

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home

This is what SORRY looks like

Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, huskyvoice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. ………

Know the difference

Real Flight Announcements (Part 1)

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 

This is what I CAN WAIT looks like

Subliminal Suggestion

Hi Ladies. I'm Sinner. 

I'd like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (I'm your love slave) in the past few years. I'm talking about subliminal suggestion.

Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8PM tonite) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldn't do (bring clean sheets).

This technique was often seen being used (I'll get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like "Buy the popcorn." (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the the conscious mind can't possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.

Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows ... (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch "I Love Lucy" reruns and do things that they'll have to invent new names for when we're done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again) The jury is still out on that one.

Thanks for your time and patience.

Illuminated Sydney Opera House

Opera alight ... the sails of the Sydney Opera House are illuminated by artwork by UK artist Brian Eno during a final test before the opening night of the Vivid's Smart Light Sydney festival.

Projection ... as part of this years Smart Light Festival the Sydney Opera House will have its sails illuminated from both sides by artworks by British artist Brian Emo.

Giant light work ... artwork by Brian Eno is projected onto the sails of the Sydney Opera House ahead of the official opening of the Smart Light festival.

Looking Busy (Part 1)

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: 

You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.

Reality: 

You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

__________________________________________________

Appearance: 

You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"

Reality: 

You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"

__________________________________________________

Appearance: 

You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.

Reality: 

You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.

Many man go fishing...

A Short Horror Story

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

This is what STUPID looks like

Corporate America (Part1)

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN CORPORATE AMERICA IF ...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise

You learn about your layoff on CNN

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital

Art involves a white board

Editing nightmares

Testing The Sperm Count

An 80-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow".

The next day, the 80-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

This is what SAD looks like

How Many Church People Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

QUESTION: How many church people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.