Five a day

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

Albert Einstein

My reputation grows with every failure.

George Bernard Shaw

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Groucho Marx

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

Albert Einstein

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

James M. Barrie

At work...

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

________________________________________

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said ...

"Rain."

Most dangerous tourist trek

BORED of guided walks where the only adventure is trying not to end up with food poisoning from soggy sarnies? Here's a hike that will get your juices flowing.

Described as the most dangerous tourist route in the world, Mt. Huashan in China has ramblers clinging to rusty iron chains whilst dangling over a 2090m cliff face… and no safety barrier.

Situated in Huayin City, 120km east of Xi'an City, Mt. Huashan is the tallest of five sacred mountains at 2200m above sea level.

But to reach the summit by foot, trekkers have to navigate their way along a trail consisting of narrow footpaths and extremely steep staircases that have been chiselled into the mountain.

The North Peak section of the trail has cliffs on all sides; forcing hikers to manoeuvre across the cliff face with the help of a rusty chain and a 30cm wide wooden plank. And then there's the hairy 20m descent using a squeaky chain to get back on the trail.

Yet despite the dangers, the hike can attract hundreds of climbers a day, all clambering over one another along the narrow sections of the trail.

The climb can take 24 hours to visit all five peaks on foot.

 

Mountain lodge ... a hostel is believed to be at the top of the mountain, so climbers can relax in a nice hot tub (separately, of course).

Those who complete the climb are rewarded with cloud encroaching views of breath-taking scenery including: waterfalls, temples and ancient ruins.

Good luck!

Save the whale

Why men shouldn't take messages

At work...

A vacuum sales man appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said,"If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

________________________________________

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks,Dad," said the employee.

________________________________________

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the door!

Five a day

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Robert Orben

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Steven Wright

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.

Geoff Arbuthnot

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Roger

Homer's X-ray

At work...

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

________________________________________

When an employee asked his boss for a day off of work, his boss looked him squarely in the eyes and said "I'd love to give you the day off but, if I let you have the day off, I'll have to give a day off to every employee whose wife has just given birth to triplets!"

________________________________________

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing. The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen the UPS driver?? I asked him to wait here for me!"

Five a day

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Brendan Gill

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.

Benjamin Franklin

There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten.

Samuel Johnson

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Winston Churchill

I've had a wonderful evening, ... but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx

Finish your beer

Medical checkup

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80. 

Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. 

Doctor: See, what did I tell you.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Five a day

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Carl Gustav Jung

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repet.

Socrates

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

F. P. Jones

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.

Somerset Maugham

Longest place name spelt wrongly

Embarrassed US officials have been forced to admit that they have been spelling Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg wrongly for years.

The typos in the country's longest place name were revealed by local newspaper, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette, which has been covering the misspelling scandal since 2003.

Resolving the issue involved large amounts of research into the two dozen spelling variants for the lake, in Webster, Massachusetts, reports Metro.

Eventually, it was determined that the 45-letter Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg was the correct spelling, and that the signs saying 'Lake Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamaugg' were wrong, inserting an 'o' for a 'u' at position 20, and an 'h' for an 'n' at position 38.

The research also found that the 49-letter variant, Chargoggagoggmanchauggauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, was the second most common version.

The local Chamber of Commerce will now attempt to find out who painted the signs in the first place, and get them to correct them.

Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg is commonly referred to as Webster Lake by locals for obvious reasons.

“The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.”

Would-be gangster shoots off own manhood

A would-be gangster shot himself in the crutch when his gun went off half cocked in his pocket.

Lukas Neuhardt, 27, had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he stuffed the gun into his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken, Germany.

He told paramedics that a masked mugger had blasted him in the crutch in a bungled robbery.

But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact.

"Instead there was a charred hole in his pocket so either it was the shot of the century or he did it himself," said a police source.

Now - after surgeons stitched his manhood back together - he's facing up to three years in jail for breaching Germany's tough new anti gun laws.

Go Run

My Beer

Anal sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.  

'Do you enjoy it?' the doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified.

'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?'

(and some bosses too...)

Is this the most luxurious cabin yet?

Class act ... Etihad's new Diamond First Class cabin is decked in luxury leather upholstered by world-renowned Poltrona Frau.

Self-service ... the hotel-style comforts continue with each suite fitted with an illuminated wardrobe and a personal mini bar.

Clean suite ... marble-topped bathrooms are fitted with stylish wash basins and leather fold-down changing room seat

Personal ... passengers have an individual Arabic-styled suite with sliding privacy doors.

Sweet dreams ... each suite is fitted with an extra-large seat that extends to a fully-flat 80inch bed and is equipped with built-in massager, lumbar support and adjustable headrest.

Check out check-in ... the luxury begins with Etihad's Diamond Zone lounge at Abu Dhabi International Airport.

What were they smoking?

Seven days without soccer makes one weak

"I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion. ”

"It’s why we play the game. Anything is possible, anything can happen, and we proved that again tonight.”

“Some people tell me that we professional players are soccer slaves. Well, if this is slavery, give me a life sentence.”

“If we played like this every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent.”

Yeeesss...I love soccer!!!

The formula for happiness

Scientists say they have solved one of the greatest mysteries plaguing mankind - just what is the secret of happiness?

The answer, apparently, is nothing as simple as true love, lots of money, or an exciting job. Instead, it can be neatly summarised in the following equation:

Happiness = P + (5xE) + (3xH)

Just to explain, P stands for Personal Characteristics, including outlook on life, adaptability and resilience.

E stands for Existence and relates to health, financial stability and friendships.

And H represents Higher Order needs, and covers self-esteem, expectations, ambitions and sense of humour.

Sound complicated? Actually, it isn't as difficult as it may seem.

Questions on which the equation is based

1. Are you outgoing, energetic, flexible and open to change?
   
2. Do you have a positive outlook, bounce back quickly from setbacks and feel that you are in control of your life?
   
3. Are your basic life needs met, in relation to personal health, finance, safety, freedom of choice and sense of community?
   
4. Can you call on the support of people close to you, immerse yourself in what you are doing, meet your expectations and engage in activities that give you a sense of purpose?
   

Working out the answer

• The questions should be answered on a scale of one to ten, where one is "not at all" and ten is "to a large extent"
  
• Add the scores for question one and two together to find your P value.
  
• The score for question 3 is the value for E, and question 4 for H
  

Each person who completes the questions ends up with a rating out of 100. The higher the score, the more happy they are.

What’s going on people…Do we now have to sit down and work out whether we are happy or not? We can all be happy in a heartbeat if we make the decision…

Sex and Golf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps it's a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the putt. So he says,"OK." He sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

At the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. He says nothing, but the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly." And he makes an eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger says, "You know, I've not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley"



Sinner takes fashion pretty seriously...

8 Marriage Bottomliners

> eight

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


> seven

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.


> six

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.


> five

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.


> four

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.


> three

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.


> two 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.


> one

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Body Painting Extraordinaire

A Quiet Round Of Golf

A man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"

The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's pussy.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! "

I don't remember much after that..

Favourite Beer Posters

How to get permission to play golf...

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place..............

First Guy
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy
'That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth Guy
'I just set my alarm for 5.30 a.m. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' She replied, 'Remember to wear sun-block.'

FIVE Amazing and Mindblowing Examples Of Digital Art & Photo Manipulation

Photomanipulation is an art in itself, that requires a skill and precision... The following is an example of FIVE Amazing and Mindblowing Examples Of Digital Art & Photo Manipulation. Although this list is not long in numbers, these impressive and amazing photos will definitely catch your attention...

STRANGE DREAM


GO WITH THE FLOW


DELIGHTFULLY VAGUE


FREEDOM


FIRE